Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
