spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
