That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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