Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
