fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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