So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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