God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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