fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
