My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
