This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
