then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Everclear isn't food dammit
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
