i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
