seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
