it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
