My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
