my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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