i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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