you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
