i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
