do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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