She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
