bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
