So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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