i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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