Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
