You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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