I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
