I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
