i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
