the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
