I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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