Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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