I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
whose parrot is this?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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