I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
