i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
