did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My penis needs a shock collar
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
