I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
