She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
