What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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