Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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