mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
