His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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