my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
