when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
