anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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