i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
