You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
