It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
