This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
