Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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