please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
